It’s 730am on Monday morning. I look out of the window to check the weather then reach for my mobile phone to confirm … “yes its cloudy.”
Indeed cloudy just like my head. I take a deep sigh and think to myself what shall we do today as a fly buzzes in the background. I want to make the most of my holiday but I’m so tired I’m not sure I will be able to. A dull nausea feeling tells my mind and my body has had enough yet the schizophrenia that is my habit has allowed this to become the norm.
“The man at the pool yesterday was so fit and healthy looking” I think to myself. “He must be a non-drinker and very health conscious – after all he drank diet Tango” I laugh a little inside.
My wife is already up and completing a 30 minute H.I.T session with Joe Wicks … she too is on fine form health wise.
I have a cracked heal on my right foot – more a nuisance than anything else but I haven’t bothered to sort it out because “what’s the point.” Oh and my left knee which is a little worse for wear from squash and probably most likely all the weight I have been carrying around aches somewhat … I’d like this to clear but I know it won’t until my “seal blubber” goes.
I feel a great sense of guilt, embarrassment in my failure to have previously cracked my habit … trouble is – in my mind it seems impossible … after all I’d tried and failed before so why would now be any different.
I think to myself “today I will make a resolution to have a drink free day” and subconsciously register that this is only half hearted because I have tried before and delivered a negative result.
There’s now a somewhat annoying woman in the background on YouTube with an American accent … “it’s time for some core work” she exclaims. “Sod that” I think , “more like time for a sexist retro American series like the A-Team that’s more my thing.”
I pause and then ponder “I wonder if I will feel funny mid afternoon like I did yesterday … somewhat panicky, like I’m not here and going to disappear from this earth” Actually I haven’t really been here for months anyway in my weather forecast of mind fog.
My family must be sick of my smelly, sweaty body in the morning and I am sick of feeling sick and tired – I reflect.
I flick on my iPad and read some notes from Alan Car on his advice to be freed from alcohol. I think today I will take his advice … and so I do.
My objective for the day is that “today is a good day – despite all my pain, embarrassment, lack of esteem, I will outwardly and inwardly believe that all is well and all I must do is take that first step to not drinking tonight.”
I stretch a little in anticipation and my left toe which has been playing up a little clicks and grinds somewhat. It’s not will power that is needed just an understanding that alcohol serves me in no way – there are no benefits. Even my left toe can tell me alcohol serves me no benefits.
I resolve to enjoy the day, be there for my children, not huff and puff, try to feel good despite the hangover and take the day slowly, calmly and with a sense of purpose.
Today is a good day … I am free.