Days 1-3 – thoughts

I am just thinking through the first few days of starting something new and taking a new road.

I am on a journey to find new purpose and the purpose is right here in the room with me now as I write.

My daughter is currently writing down her top tips for becoming a famous artist. It’s the first time in a short while that I have fully engaged with her about what she is thinking about. The young and uncluttered mind really is something magical to behold and as I am sure you know often very wise.

“Don’t be famous because you wan’t others to see you as famous but because you enjoy doing what you are doing” – she exclaims.

“I don’t believe in perfectionism – there’s always something for us to learn and anyone who believes that perfectionism is possible are kidding themselves …”

A few days ago I genuinely thought that I was done – as in my body was telling me “no more.” I woke up at 3 am in the morning had a massive panic attack (so I am told) and hung on to be alive like I was hanging off a cliff edge and my fingers were about to break.

In that moment I thought to myself “if I make it through the next few minutes and I’m not sure I will” I’m done. Done with what you ask? Done with punishing my body and mind over and over again for a plethora of reasons that yet are not clear to me.

In that moment I knew I had to relish being alive, live every moment as present as possible and remap my path in a direction that is congruent with who I am. How I will do that I am not quite sure yet but this is in my heart.

I have committed to look after myself (body, mind and spirit), to be wise in my decisions, to serve others and live the most fulfilling life I can – through tough times and happy times.

During the hours that followed my near death experience I reached out for some medical checks – some of which have not returned favourably. I am committed to working on my health and mind in any which way I can and I have reached out for this support and will continue to do so on my new journey. I will keep those at bay that are not helpful and welcome those in who are. I will surround myself with those who bring vibrancy and life and move away from those who do not with reverence and humbleness.

In that moment as I lay on the carpet, walking aimlessly in circles clinging on to life but not quite sure what I tried to figure out if reality was true and whether it was worth staying for. I try not to sound over dramatic but that was my experience. In that moment and the hours afterwards that ensued I could not function for the new day that I had been blessed with.

Three days later and I’m grateful for this moment … the quiet steps I am putting in place for my new journey and hopeful for the coming days, months and years.

I have a lot … and I mean A LOT to be grateful for and even more to give.

S

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